


Food doesn´t define us

by NYWCgirl



Series: Half of us [4]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 12:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13951278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NYWCgirl/pseuds/NYWCgirl
Summary: Neal keeps battling against himself.





	Food doesn´t define us

**Author's Note:**

> This fic fills the ‘self-harm’ square on my H/C Bingo card, it is part 4 of the ‘Half of us’ series.

‘I’m home!’ Peter hollers from the front door. Satchmo greets him enthusiastically since he was waiting at the door, probably from the moment he heard the key in the door. Peter rubs his hands behind the dog’s ears.

‘Neal?’ he calls out while telling Satchmo to go find Neal.

There is no answer, which is odd, because El told him Neal didn´t join her to work, because she expected to be home late and it would be too taxing for him.

Peter follows Satchmo into the house towards the kitchen. Neal´s bed is still located in the dining room, next to the window and Peter is surprised to see Neal asleep, curled up under thick blankets. Normally Neal stands waiting for him on the door and is constantly moving. It is not hard to figure out why, he is always trying to burn calories.

Peter studies Neal for a moment and he doesn´t look good. He is gaunt and the buzz cut is not making it better, but Neal´s hair is too fragile to let it grow out.

The progress they made in Neal´s health, is completely down the drain after the incident at the office. Almost immediately Neal started eating less again. But maybe they should call it a victory that he is eating at all. Peter can´t understand a grown man can live on Neal´s rations but somehow Neal manages to stay on his feet. It baffles Peter.

He shakes Neal gently.

‘Hey buddy, wake up please.’

Neal slowly blinks open his eyes and it takes him a moment to recognize Peter, but then he gives him a tired smile.

‘Hey Peter, you are home early.’

‘No Neal, it’s evening, I guess you were tired and slept all afternoon.’

Realization hits Neal.

‘I´m sorry, I…’

‘There is no need to apologize. What do you want to eat?’

‘I’m not hungry.’

Peter gives Neal a sad smile, ‘I know, but humor me.’

Neal thinks for a moment.

‘Chicken noodle soup would be nice.’

God forbid it would be something substantial, but Peter will take a win any way he can, if it will make Neal eat.

‘Good idea, care to help?’

Neal nods, ‘I can do that.’

Peter takes off his tie and rolls up his sleeves. He takes out a pan and chopping board while Neal extracts himself from the mountain of blankets. He dresses in the fluffy bathrobe that hangs from the end of the bed. Even wearing it, it is painfully clear that Neal lost more weight.

‘What can I do?’

‘Can you cut the chicken? It is already boiled.’

‘Sure.

While Peter takes out some bean sprouts and the noodles, he can see Neal meticulously cutting the chicken into small pieces. When Neal is ready, Peter chucks the chicken into the boiling water and adds some herbs and spices.

‘Can you give Satchmo his food?’ Peter asks.

‘No problem.’

Neal gets the dog food and bends down to get Satchmo´s bowl when he stumbles. Peter drops the spoon he is holding and is just in time to prevent Neal from face planting.

‘Wow there slugger, what´s wrong?’

Neal´s face is white as a sheet.

‘Just a dizzy spell.’

‘OK, let´s sit you down.’

Peter guides Neal to a chair and returns to the kitchen to turn the furnace down. He takes one of the strawberry protein drinks Neal prefers from the fridge and walks back to Neal.

‘I thought you were making me noodle soup?’

‘I am but I would like you to drink this. It is for your own good. You probably got dizzy because of low blood sugar.’

Neal nods and pulls the carton closer. Peter can see Neal doesn’t agree and he prepares to get in a fight with Neal when Neal takes the straw and pushes it in the carton. He quickly sucks on the straw. One would think it is something horrible in the carton if one would look at Neal´s face.

Peter doesn´t believe Neal is making it this easy, but for now he is satisfied and returns to the furnace; He tastes the soup, adds some more herbs and stirs them in. He loses himself for a moment, relieved that he is home after a long day at the office and Neal isn´t fighting him.

‘Neal, do you want your soup in a bowl or plate?’

When he doesn´t get an answer, he turns towards the table, only to see Neal´s empty chair.

‘Neal?’

Peter looks at Satchmo.

‘Where is he, boy?’

Satchmo immediately walks up the stairs, Peter following. He can hear Neal retching and it sounds awful. Peter´s instinct tells him to enter the bathroom and ask what Neal is thinking, but rationally he knows that will only make things worse. When he hears the toilet flush, he quickly goes back downstairs.

They need help. It is clear Neal needs professional help, this isn´t working.

He quickly pours the soup in two bowls and walks up to the table. He decides not to mention anything.

‘Did you freshen up?’

‘Yeah, washed my hands.’

Peter nods and puts a bowl in front of Neal.

‘Bon appetite.’

Peter is hungry and delves into his bowl. He glances at Neal who is stirring his spoon in his soup.

‘Something’s wrong?’

‘No, I´m just not that hungry. I just had that protein shake.’

Peter wants to yell at Neal, tell him he knows he purged. He wants to grab him and shake him, but he doesn´t, he just gives Neal a sad smile. Neal must pick up on his changed demeanor but doesn´t say anything.

When they are finished and Peter just takes away Neal´s full bowl, Neal speaks up.

‘Are you disappointed in me?’

Peter looks up and looks Neal straight in the eyes.

‘No. No, I’m not. I’m just sad.’

Neal nods, down casting his eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers.

 

* *  *

 

When Peter finishes up in the kitchen, he finds Neal back in his bed, he is once again curled up, probably because his internal thermostat is no longer capable of keeping his body warm.

Peter contemplates what he should do and then quickly lays down next to Neal and pulls him to his chest. He is shocked to feel Neal´s too thin frame through the thick pajamas. But he also feels Neal relaxing against him, which surprises him. He would have thought that Neal would associate someone in his bed negatively, but he must feel safe, because even his breathing deepens in relaxation. It doesn´t make Peter feel better though, it only makes him realize that Neal has been spending all this time alone, fighting his inner demons.

Why can´t he just fix Neal? If only it would be that simple. He will need to talk to Elizabeth. He is not ready to give Neal up.

Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
